xanthan gum

very cute, but i fear that "barfed" doesn't fit into the rhyming pattern, my dear. =]

your repitition of "staring blindly at the sky/in the eye" didn't really work for the dramatizing affect i'm sure you were going for - it wound up being blantantly obvious. ...

You are the sage green color of my life your growth bears no fruit - just leaves, reams of them, stapled theories on the branches of your mind dreams that ...

Delicate and thin Like the string hung above And around My neck Delicate and thin And thy queen, so dainty And bright, like the sun Sits above And on My ...

i really liked: Swim blade, swim Barbed-wire chokehold on your breath Dryad of pain THE only thing i didn't like: Mountains of either side preventing the intrusion of health that ...

cute...but...er... heaps?

um, this was very cute but not....moving. sorry. cute, though, for novice.

wow. beautiful imagery. the wince on her face, though - that sent shivers down my back. i don't know why. the quote was wonderful, true to life... a lot of ...

this wasn't "BEAUTIFUL", but the rhythm and the meaning was .so.good. that it transformed the poem into amazing. no critiques - maybe your lines are too long? otherwise, beautiful.

this entire poem, even when not discussing universal things, had a very atomic/not ethereal...but "space-y" feel about it. and i believe that using "bleeded" instead of "bled" is great =] ...

i did the line skip with "try to last it / it falls away" because i was trying to keep even rhythm on the line. i always sacrifice things like ...

um, yeah, i'd start over. yes, it's cute, but that doesn't amount to much. try again.

ok, i noticed that first stanza was acrostic after a couple of times (and after reading the comments :oops: ) but i doubt that the fact one stanza is acrostic ...

first of all, you just need to...dramatize this down a bit. or switch around persons and points of views, because it sounds like your writing, mainly to yourself, late at ...

like a fox? i don't get it.